I may be back …

Soon after my last post, I read a post by a first mom blogger (who I continue to respect VERY much) that took the wind out of my sails.

After hearing a call in radio show about adoption that essentially exclcluded first mom’s she wrote a very heartfelt post that included (to summarize) a paragraph about how no matter what if a first parent wants their child back, adoptive parents’ with any ethics should simply ‘give the child back’ (totally paraphrasing here, but that was the gist).

I’d be full of myself to say/think that she had ever come across my blog (it’s new and I don’t do much to promote myself) but I took her words to heart (and personally) and just couldn’t get into blogging again.

And then our world went from slightly tilt-ee to totally upside down and we became “those adoptive” parents who were fighting to keep a child that was “wanted back.” Though I use the term “back” very loosely here because our son’s birth father never “had” Ponce in the first place (though that right was unjustly denied him for what we have come to see as right reasons poorly executed).

At the end of April we were extended an opportunity to meet Ponce’s birth father and start building the foundations of openness with him. About 30 minutes into that meeting Ponce’s birth father announced that he had been talking with a lawyer, his paster, his family, friends etc. and had decided that “I want my boy.” Our world crumbled. We were weeks from finalizing and Ponce’s birth father, while admittedly upset at the situation when he found out about it nearly one year ago had maintained his desire to keep Ponce with us. We were completely blindsided and devastated.

And going back to the very talented blogger’s post that had so affected me two months before that meeting made me feel very alone and uneasy about blogging more about our situation.

Most of the dust has settled (and aside from being much poorer than we were pre-end-of-April-meeting). Ponce will in all likelyhood be staying with us and the adoption will hopefully be finalized this summer (typed with fingers completely crossed — that is a very hard thing to do). In picking up the pieces of my heart and trying to frame Ponce’s birth father’s actions within the paramaters of a “desperate act” and part of his grieving process, I am searching for the ability to forgive. Partially for myself, partially because I think Ponce’s birthfather deserves it and circumstances have shaped him ways that most of us could never understand, but mostly for Ponce. And in that search … I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need to feel like I should apologize for wanting to keep Ponce. For loving him too much to “give him back.” I’m his parent for crap-sakes. Shouldn’t I want to protect and love him and fight for him? Isn’t that what parents do? Does the fact that I’m an adoptive parent mean that I should love or want Ponce any less than his birth parent?

In February I posted about guilt. I said that I had been carrying a lot of it for a situation that I did nothing to cause. I resolved not to carry other people’s guilt, and yet reading that bloggers post threw me back to where I was before mid-Feb. I will not apologize for loving my son and wanting the best for him. I have no doubt whatsoever that the best for him includes myself and my husband as primary parents, open relationships with his birth parents and families and all the love and support we can offer him through ourselves and our friends and families. I continue to respect and read the blogger that set me back a couple of months ago, but I understand that her perspective is necessarily different than my own and that her story is VERY different from our sons’ first parents’ stories.

So I am back. And the details that surround that end of April meeting are exactly the reason I started writing this blog to begin with. So I get to be back. And I get to not be apologetic about not “giving my son back.”

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “I may be back …

  1. OMG I have so much to say but I have to run. I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you! You are Ponce’s parents!!!

  2. Ok. Being a very empathetic person is a curse. I suffer from that as well. I have vowed to myself to own my own feelings and no one else’s. I vehemently disagree with the birthmother, by the way. OK so here’s my tough person version of a few things (because I do have huge empathy bordering on guilt over adoption sometimes). What if you decided that you didn’t feel like parenting Ponce and decided to give him back to his birthmom and she was totally unprepared, ill-equipped and unwilling to parent him? (It goes both ways and it’s a weird myth that all birthparents are chomping at the bit to “get their children back”). I would never have adopted if I knew that on a whim, my son’s birthmom or dad could decide they were ready and would like “him back.” That’s called foster care, and birthparents are free to use that system if they aren’t ready to parent yet. That said, in BC, birthparents have 30 days to change their mind and they do. That is legal and fair. A year + down the road is not. Secondly, the fact that you want to FIGHT for your son means that you care. You are his MOM and you should care. You’d lift a truck for him and fight of a tiger. You are his Mama! I know adoption is complicated and people get hurt but I’m am writing to you as an adoptive mother and I am sorry you had to go through that and happy for you that Ponce will be officially/legally your son when the adoption is finalized (of course he’s been part of your family since he arrived in your arms ;).

  3. Trish

    Wow. Just want you to know I am here reading. I also disagree with that first mom, in a general sweeping sense. My thoughts are too jumbled right now. Thinking of you…

  4. adoptive mom

    I’m posting as a guest and not entering my blogname (for bf privacy sake), but please feel free to email me, and I’ll be happy to give you my blog name.

    We had a very similar situation with our adoption and the bf. It was heart-wrenching and the most painful thing we’ve had to go through. Thankfully, we are 2 years (this month) on the other side of things and that bf who wanted so much from us, sheepishly appears once a year (even though we send him pictures and updates throughout the year) for a once a year visit. he cares more about taking a few pictures with him to put on his fb then to actually even get to know him or us. He was all bark and no bite and didn’t have a leg to stand on. I hope the same for you!

    You are his momma and you don’t let anyone tell you different!

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